I am the family’s shopper and because I know how to cook I’ve rightly got this title and the authority that comes with it. You know how a shopper that cooks behave! You get to the store or at the market and you see something: a fruit or a vegetable, a piece of meat, and you imagine how you could use it as an ingredient then put it in the basket. From this point, there are thousands of ideas coming at you from all around the place, and it becomes really hard because you’ll have to resist the temptation of not buying everything except what is going to be in the cooking pan next day.
As a shopper who cooks you have short term memory. You buy things that your ideas are whispering right away. It’s that enthusiasm of trying new recipes and mix in something that only you had thought of. It’s like every meal has to be a creation of some sort, a branding campaign that has a hashtag only you came up with: #toughgirlplayinginthekitchen. But in a pandemic world things changed and the way we used to shop changed too. We buy stocks of products we once hate having lots of. We suddenly know how to make bread and doughnuts and we realised that puff pastry goes with everything and that is the reason why anyone, who is on Instagram and is not Italian, calls it “pizza”. After this crisis is almost done and we can take our walking lives back and we’ll finally have the courage to step up on that scale, we all be realising that “carbs got us” (a famous line from Friends Tv series).
Now is not just that I am not the shopper anymore, but I’ve got lazy enough to not even do the grocery list. Yep, inspiration is forever gone. I’ve somehow accepted that carbs will be my best friend and I’ll be fat again. At least for a while. My husband, on the other hand, is more convinced than ever that I shouldn’t quit cooking and keep our healthy lifestyle going. And that I am afraid is a lie. I’ve read a book about this, but I am also certain that is already scientifically proven that the main reason why men go to a supermarket is to buy beer and snacks. So, it is not a wonder that we have lots of those at home nowadays. Even more, the last time he went shopping he came home with a cupcake pan, something that I believed to be so mundane and that I’ll never use it before I am old and have grandkids which are way further in the future. But I pleased him and made my first cupcakes production last weekend at the age of 30. I feel like my fate is already written.
And if anyone thinks that this is something to be proud of, let me ask you who will you envy the most: a woman who can cook or a hot girl on Instagram?
Because I know the answer to the question. Is always the option B. We are all smart people and we don’t have time to come up with political correctness wishes. We don’t look for wives who cook on Instagram, we don’t even look for celebrities anymore. The days when we’re interested in their perfect lives and perfect make-up are way gone. Now we look for hot girls who surf on Instagram. Yes, there are hot girls who can surf and righteously put their sexy body on explore tab. So, it’s not that they are simply hot – something that any celebrity can be – but they can be hot on the surfboard. For a woman in her 30s who had made her first cupcakes production, those pictures really heart.
Listen, I’ve read the opinions of people I admire and follow online, and all of them are saying that I should keep up the routine so that I don’t get easily bored in the Cuckoo’s Nest. And I put really thoughts on this. If my new routine means I have to increase my cupcakes production with even more flavours or that some evenings I have to endure hot surfer girls on Instagram while eating a blueberry muffin, just to keep me and other people safe, I will simply do that with no regrets. And you know why? Because I only wish to go out again and run repeatedly swearing in my head: “Fuck you, carbs!”.