It’s hard not to be scared right now. And with fear comes thousands of questions about the world we’re in, but mostly about yourself. From the fact that you are blocked inside, and think you have a million diseases, from feeling lonely although you live with someone, from not being sure of your skills and your strength to deal with THIS when you do not know what THIS is. I lived till know thinking I was scared of myself doing basics, like working or trying to be better at something, but THIS is the fucking devil without consciousness. You cannot see it, you cannot smell it, it’s not a thing you can point your finger at, it’s not even a matter that you can synthetically cover up and above all it can be everywhere like a ghost following you as part of a joke on Halloween night or a meme spreading online on April 1. And THIS had taken the entire world and turn it upside down in just a few months. Is like God or a big force of nature had pranked us big time while listening to a ridiculous band boys’ song that once concurred the world with this chorus: “ma-i-a hi, ma-i-a hu, ma-i-a ho, ma-i-a haha”. Well, maybe China is singing this song right now while the rest of the world posts TikTok videos with the same song on and on: “it’s corona time”. Never imagined this could be a hit song name. I cannot believe that I am wishing this, but I really would want to exchange the creepy corona song on TikTok with anything it’s trending on YouTube in Romania.
Everyone is doing his or her battle with the virus in their way. I am at home, and all I do all day is turn my head from screen 1 – my laptop towards screen 2 – the tv. It’s like a non-stop tennis match between handling my shit and then wait the come back from the rest of the world. And is frightening. The bubble that everyone was talking about not that long ago expanded in a single world: “pandemic”. Facing that word, the ‘bubbles’ that everyone’s lived in don’t seem so dump now. Cause we liked living on our beautiful sculpted universes where millennials actually had world problems or so they thought. And is not just that we complained about everything but we loved to show how smarter we are while using tags because we are online and we can do the hell we want. As I noticed these days, that power didn’t vanish, clearly, we cannot be satisfied even in a time of crisis, the ego is still there creating new Frankensteins to come out and destroy us on the Facebook Wall. And when all this talk stops, Mark Z. will have to clean that too. In his way of course.
eggs and cold wine
I work from home for 14 days. Meanwhile, the number of infected people has gone to nearly one thousand. If it wasn’t clear by now, it’s time to get comfortable at home. Hm, I’ve never imagined that my rented apartment could be a place of safety. I’ve always depicted it like a hostile place to be in: not your property, not home by definition, just somewhere you come home from work and rest by the end of the day. Now I don’t just come here, I work, I sleep, I eat, I exercise in here. And is not the place itself that I get to analyze but how much extra work you put in just to live exclusively in the house. I cook way more than I used to do and that means more mess to clean up too. Also, is that we pay more attention to what’s on the fridge, check it every break from work if we still have something there, like someone could have stole it meanwhile. Now I have to worry about what to cook at lunch and make something different and quick for dinner. No wander it straightened my cooking skills and I mostly go with the flow now, mix ingredients after how I imagine the result would be like: Hmm, thyme with green pea? Sounds ok! Not a good idea! I miss the days when we had just eggs and wine on our fridge. Yes, I keep the wine in the fridge because I like my wine to be a little cold when I drink it. I remember one time, I came from work pretty late and made dinner with 2 fried eggs and one slice of toasted bread each. Pour red wine in tall glasses and eat like we were having dinner at a fancy restaurant. Now we need three different meals to get comfortable and various brands of beer bottles not to get bored from drinking just one type. This rented apartment is still the place where I and my husband begin to live in as a couple and what I didn’t realize until this outbreak is that it gives us some comfort. And is not the place itself that we should worry about is our capacity of making it work this time too.
I am a routine person so obviously what used to be my routine is now ruined. I am not going to count what I miss the most, because by this point you are already tired of other people telling you what they miss on Facebook posts. I am just going to tell you that it was shocking to see me in the first week, not being aware that at some point I would have to move away from my laptop to like eating. I was in call meetings all day long so to eat was something I did mostly unconsciously. Swallowing food like Stevie Starr just keeps things in his stomach. On the second week, I slowly begin my new routine that I am working on right now with writing. I begin my day with meditation, drink my coffee while writing for 25 minutes then exercise for 15 minutes. Prepare breakfast, eat and start to work. Since we both work from home now – a scary thought that happened to be a nice experience calling each other “colega” from our separate desks – we both take a break to eat at lunch and each one asks to end up work and relax a bit just like I did with me colleagues at work when it was time to go home. I know is easy to fall into extreme these days work too much or spend a lot of time on the couch, so that is why I want this routine to stay with me and gradually increase the number of habits like reading that I forgot to do in these two weeks. I forced myself to no check what is on the news all the time or keep the mail tab always open. WhatsApp is a war zone now and at least is not blinking my phone with intrusive pop-ups because I have my laptop for that. I still search quiet moments for myself in the morning when I read and before I go to bed at the same hour 22:30, I like to colour other people sketches. Found some cool drawings recommended by DOR – fear drawings – and also a guy on TikTok who teaches you how to draw from scratch. I admit that I didn’t let go some of my oldest habits: what I call FRIENDS anaesthesia in the evenings just to laugh and nervously Instagram scrolling for cooking ideas and to check what “others” are doing. So that is my routine. That’s how my life is now and probably yours is somehow alike. And I will end my writings so that I have something to eat for tomorrow and tonight. Stay safe and eat like your kitchen is a fancy restaurant, ok?
BTW: I miss the park!